Ami's Sin
by Cold
Summary: Ami confesses her one sin. Contains Shoujo-Ai, based on a personal event.


Based on a true story.  
  
  
  
Ami sat on the edge of her bed. Her pink flannels could do nothing to keep her warm, not when the cold came from inside. She wore socks, not something that she was apt to do while inside, and her arms wound around the teddy bear that Makoto had given her for her last birthday.  
Makoto was the only one of them that knew; the girl remained oblivious despite all of Ami's attempts to make her understand.  
She slowly walked to her computer, sitting at her desk and drawing up the 'compose e-mail' screen. Her hand lay poised upon the mouse for a brief moment before she clicked on the 'recipient's e-mail' box and filled in "Makoto," her computer being set to send it to the girl's e-mail address.  
It took her a while to actually move the mouse pointer to the subject box, filling in a brief "Anou..."  
She swallowed the saliva that lay pooled in the bottom of her mouth before clicking on the message box. Her hands shook as she laid them on the keys that were so familiar to her.  
  
"Dear Mako-chan,  
I've decided to be blunt, which is very hard for me.  
Everyone has his or her secrets, Mako-chan. But now there will be no more secrets with us, and I am going to tell you my sin.  
There have been very few times in my life when I have been afraid. When Beryl-sama killed you, I felt so lost. We weren't supposed to die. But I suppose that it goes back to before that, doesn't it. When we first met, back in Chuu-San-Nen. I was afraid then. Not of you, not at all. But you were strong, and you were bold. Everything that I was not.  
I already knew that I liked girls then. And you were beautiful, with your foreign air. And once I found out that you were a senshi, too, I was so excited.  
And I tried to convince myself that you were just a close teammate, and nothing more. And - Selenity help me - I tried to make it go away. It lessened for a while.  
And now I'm afraid again. I'm afraid that you'll hate me for this. I'm afraid that you'll never want to see me again, or that you just won't be there for me like you always have been.  
I know that you like guys. And I know that I'm not a part of that category. But please... don't hate me. Even if I was a guy, I don't think you'd fall for someone like me. I'm just not strong like you are.  
So maybe things will be different now. Maybe if you tell me "no" I can move on. But please don't hate me.  
I'll act however you want me to. I won't flirt with you or anything like that. Not if you don't want me to.  
I don't know if you even knew about this.... If you suspected anything, maybe it will relieve you that I'm finally bold enough to say something, even though it's not to your face. If you didn't, maybe it will just be a surprise, either welcome or not.  
I just hope that after all our years of being friends, for all of which I can't remember ever not loving you, it won't end because of something like this."  
  
She signed the e-mail.  
The pointer hovered over the 'send' button for moments. She hesitated; her hand shook. Her finger wavered on the mouse.  
The moment she clicked it, she sent her chair rolling away from the screen. She was doubled over as though in pain. And indeed the pain was real to her. It grew like a foul weed through her gut; its roots lay in her heart. Tears welled up and she buried her eyes in the teddy bear. They soaked into the fuzzy fabric, matting the fur.  
She felt so cold inside. The coldness swept through her veins like wildfire.  
She knew that Makoto would say no, despite the tiny part of her that dared believe the answer would be affirmative.  
She lay in bed that night, curled around the teddy bear. Waves of guilt had begun to wash over her. She raised her arm to look at it in the scant light of her clock.  
Scabs were beginning to form on her inner elbow, and they took on the distinct shape of a razor cut.  
Her muscle there ached now, but it had felt so good at the time. To inflict on herself the pain that she thought Makoto most certainly wanted to put on her.  
Sleep did not come easily that night.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Ami awoke freezing the next morning, despite the warm summer breezes that flowed in through her window.  
She turned her monitor on to reveal that there was one new message. Makoto.  
Her heartbeat reached new heights, and she was afraid to open the e-mail. Finally she drew up the courage from somewhere to click on the 'read message' button.  
  
"Ami-chan,  
I suppose this is a bit awkward now. But please know this: I do not hate you."  
  
Ami felt relieved, yet the first paragraph held nothing in terms of an answer to her question. She nearly stopped reading, but forged on.  
  
"I could never hate you. But I wouldn't be comfortable, and... well, you know that I'm not like that."  
  
Tears matted the teddy bear's fur once again.  
  
"But that doesn't mean that we can't be friends. I don't think either of us will forget this, but I will try to act the same around you, even after this."  
  
Nothing could ever be the same again.  
  
"I'm very sorry if this hurts you. I like being around you, but I wouldn't feel right if it was different than how it's always been."  
  
Makoto would never know just how much hurt could be inflicted with words.  
  
"My hands are shaking as well... I'm very sorry. Thank you for telling me. It must have taken so much more courage that I could ever have. But let's continue being best friends, okay?"  
  
More courage than Makoto? No. Ami shook her head. It was just a foolish mistake. She never should have said anything.  
  
"Please don't be upset. Things don't always work out, I guess."  
  
But things had never worked out for Ami. Ever.  
And now, when she needed them most, the tears refused to come.  
  
~~~~  
  
She stood on top of the apartment complex, the wind whipping her short navy hair about her face. She summoned all of the strength that she had left on her scarred body.  
The transformation came with no words, as none were needed now. Her power was in her own heart and not in any tools or sounds. She couldn't understand how she had the heart to do the task, but felt the weight of her senshi fuku about her in a comforting snugness.  
The wind swirled into snow about her; so powerful they all were now as to control the very surroundings without a thought.  
Her blood was a comforting, stinging cold that coursed through her body, pooling and collecting in her heart. She held her gloved hands to her face. Her skin was cold, but she did not take notice; her cheeks were just as cold as her fingers.  
The air that she breathed out hung in white puffs amidst the humid summer air. Her tears turned into icicles and froze to her cheeks. Her skin took an unnaturally light color, even for her customary pallid tone.  
She fell to her knees, freezing the concrete roof on contact. Yet she crawled to the edge of the building to look down at the park below, leaving frozen patches in her wake.  
She smiled at the innocent humans below. A feeble smile. Wouldn't they be surprised...?  
Ami, Eternal Sailormercury, summoned what remained of her will. She would leave these people with one last reminder of her. One last testament to her life.  
She counted on this act using up her energy, allowing her to sink into hibernation until the Senshi were needed again.  
  
And in the middle of July, on a hot summer day, the entire world was blanketed in a layer of crisp, white snow.  
  
  
  
  
*Glossary*  
Anou - Well, um...  
Chuu-San-Nen - US 9th grade, in middle school.  
Fuku - Clothes  
  
*Author's Notes*  
I've been wanting to write something like this for a while now.... And yes, it is based on a true story, even though the "real" Ami didn't kill herself ((She came very close)).  
Also, this is based on the BSSM manga, as opposed to the anime, so some points are different ((i.e. Eternal Sailormercury))  
  
*Disclaimer*  
The Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon manga isn't mine. It's Takeuchi Naoko-Sensei's work, and is copyrighted by her, Kodansya, and various other copyright holders.  
HOWEVER, the original story is mine. The e-mails are mine, especially. They are both based heavily on real e-mails; if I see them reproduced anywhere, you can bet your ass I'm going to do something about it. 


End file.
